Friday, February 1, 2008

Have a Happy Period

Having been a huge fan of periods for the last...ummm...37 years, you can just imagine how I'm feeling about having major surgery in 2 1/2 weeks to remove all my female organs other than the ones that can still please my hubby, I assume. The last few years I have invested more than my share in the feminine mattress industry, so we can buy that island in the Carribean we've been eyeing with the left over money (you know that's a joke, of course it will be the cottage in Stromsburg, NE). Nene sent this letter to me this morning and I just had to pass it on as it rung a bell and I thought it was too funny. I told her it was written in my style, nothing but sweet diplomacy! When I read it I "hear it" in Paris Geller's voice. Enjoy!
This is (supposedly) an actual letter sent to American company Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph...
Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your "Always" maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the Leak Guard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your evolutionary flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants. Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't the human body amazing? As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits from "Aunt Flo". Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's &=&+*+*****s into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy Period." Are you ***** kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness, actual smiling, laughing happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick freak girl, there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like "Put down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong", or are you just picking on us? Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bull sh*t. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.
Best, Wendi Aarons Austin, TX


Anonymous said...

I wish I could pat her on the back and tell her, "You GO, girl!". Say it for all of us! Man, have I wanted for years to write a letter like that.

Mippie said...

Genius!!! Oh my gosh-I get behind in your posts and spend too long a period of time DROOLING!!! I love your room color and all of your new art!!! Also genius! The 25th is coming up-are you ready? What do you need??? I really miss seeing you! xo-Mellie