When I'm making art at home alone I have more time than usual to ponder life. Lately I've been pondering and questioning my life more than usual. I'm sure I should be worrying about the state of the economy but since I can't control that, I'm not. As I was pondering today it came to me that I've lost my edge of late. I used to get a lot of comments (lest you think I've imagined the small group of very disturbed but loyal fans, a lot of them email comments to me as they are still weary of the computer, like Mom, all porn and identity theft) that I made so and so hoot and holler and laugh to tears. But those types of comments seem to have tapered off and rightfully so. I've lost my edge, my groove. Because of some serious trouble I got into recently from some inappropriate statements and joking, I have been careful and serious about what I say. But that's not me and I miss me. It's one of the things I like about me and polls say that's something that my friends really like about me too. It's part of me being from Texas and a Scorpio and bitter and a little crazy and it's a way to let off some steam from living with all men, most of them misogynists. I mean just check out my first sign on my side bar; that's so me, the old me, the one I want back.
Especially since 9/11, I realized that life is just too short to take too seriously. That's when I really stopped holding back, let it rip, and tried to laugh at anything I possibly could. It shook me realizing that life can change in such a short time and made me want to be silly and light as often as possible. I was known to say one of my favorite mantras, "It's not a brain tumor.", before then but since and even more recently when "we" did have a brain tumor to deal with plus breast cancer...well, you get the idea without me bringing anyone down, "ours" turned out okay. Soooooooooo, I'm going to try to find that groove 'cause this is the longest I've gone without it. I think my recent history then the ensuing trip to the shrink then the ensuing meds have put a damper on my true personality which might be obnoxious to others at times but always tickle ME. And if I'm tickled, well, then I'm happy and, well, what else matters? Another counselor (not a real one but plays one in real life) suggested another med option which I'm seriously considering so that I can come back out of hiding without having panic attacks. Wish me luck. I'll try to notice something funny soon and regale you with it, I promise-I'll try real hard.