When I'm making art at home alone I have more time than usual to ponder life. Lately I've been pondering and questioning my life more than usual. I'm sure I should be worrying about the state of the economy but since I can't control that, I'm not. As I was pondering today it came to me that I've lost my edge of late. I used to get a lot of comments (lest you think I've imagined the small group of very disturbed but loyal fans, a lot of them email comments to me as they are still weary of the computer, like Mom, all porn and identity theft) that I made so and so hoot and holler and laugh to tears. But those types of comments seem to have tapered off and rightfully so. I've lost my edge, my groove. Because of some serious trouble I got into recently from some inappropriate statements and joking, I have been careful and serious about what I say. But that's not me and I miss me. It's one of the things I like about me and polls say that's something that my friends really like about me too. It's part of me being from Texas and a Scorpio and bitter and a little crazy and it's a way to let off some steam from living with all men, most of them misogynists. I mean just check out my first sign on my side bar; that's so me, the old me, the one I want back. 
Especially since 9/11, I realized that life is just too short to take too seriously. That's when I really stopped holding back, let it rip, and tried to laugh at anything I possibly could. It shook me realizing that life can change in such a short time and made me want to be silly and light as often as possible. I was known to say one of my favorite mantras, "It's not a brain tumor.", before then but since and even more recently when "we" did have a brain tumor to deal with plus breast cancer...well, you get the idea without me bringing anyone down, "ours" turned out okay. Soooooooooo, I'm going to try to find that groove 'cause this is the longest I've gone without it. I think my recent history then the ensuing trip to the shrink then the ensuing meds have put a damper on my true personality which might be obnoxious to others at times but always tickle ME. And if I'm tickled, well, then I'm happy and, well, what else matters? Another counselor (not a real one but plays one in real life) suggested another med option which I'm seriously considering so that I can come back out of hiding without having panic attacks. Wish me luck. I'll try to notice something funny soon and regale you with it, I promise-I'll try real hard.
16 comments:
I think you are spectacular! Be who you want to be and fuck everyone else! Me- I was born without the shame gene- don't get me wrong...I know how to behave when I absolutely must!
I might suggest that when people leave a comment, you might respond- that way they know you are reading what they write, and you care about what they say!
oxox
Doing art does make one ponder more doesn't it? I love the way you put that into words. My new craft room has no tv or radio so all I hear are my thoughts.
You are who you are....just be.
Love, Julia...who has always known you and loved you.
Ill quit lurking and start making my presence known more. Stephanie, you really are the bomb!
And by the way, you are looking fabulous in the pictures of yourself you've been posting lately.
Your devoted fan,
Patrice
Thank you, Maija, for the words of wisdom and also the suggestion; I've often wondered how I should handle the comments, now I know how you feel and I can do it! I DO care what people write and say and that they take not only the time to read but also comment and you are so sweet to do it so often. And my other good "fan", Julia, on here too...I can't wait for y'all to meet at...umm...are you going to Silver Bella? Thank you both for your sweet words, your loving thoughts give me so much strength. Love to you both, Stephanie
Oh Patrice, you are so sweet, too! I know how it is, that's why I fail to leave comments often, I go from one blog to another then another then...it's a week and time to cook again! I know you are there and I appreciate you so. Hugs, Stephanie
Stephanie--
I've read through most of your blog since I happened upon it. I know we differ in some of our views of things. But I keep reading your posts because you make me laugh, you make me think, you make me inspired to make art...and you have the courage to come out and say what most of us women really feel at times.
This is YOUR blog. In my understanding of it (and I'm fairly new to the blogging world) is that it-- being your blog and all-- you SHOULD be able to have the freedom to say (or write) what you're feeling or believing at the time. We're all learning as we go in life and will continue to do so till we die. Man! I just wish people would ease up on the politically incorrect stuff. If I find and start reading a blog that continues to offend me, I choose not to read it--they have a right to write it and I have the right to choose not to read it. I don't have to leave a comment...I just move on.
With you, if you write something I tend not to agree with, it's okay with me because I admire you as a person on the whole and look forward to the next post which most likely will contain something I can relate to and be relieved that someone else is going thru it to and has the same feelings and humor about it.
I'm rambling here, but I hope to get across to you to PLEASE don't allow yourself to feel judged by what you write. I know that's a tall order and very hard to do. Just focus on all the people who know you (really) and love you and accept you. And from me (who doesn't really know you) but accepts you and admires you from what you've shared in your blog. And I'm sure there are many others out in blogland who feel the same.
So get your groove on and show us how it's done!! ;-)
Hi Stephanie-
Thank you so much for taking the time to write comments on my blog. I had tried to call you a while back to let you know I was posting about your display @ the big flea but I'm guessing you might have forgot. I really wanted to buy some of your things at the BF but you never returned:) I hope you were OK:) I would love to get together sometime... I live in Raleigh, NC but make trips frequently up to DC for friends and buying. I'll be up there for the BF in November - Will you set up then? Perhaps we could grab a bite? Thanks so much- Stacey Newton
I gotta tell you Stephanie George, you make me laugh; and laugh big! Not many people have done that of late, but you, you are a "ROCK STAR"! Maybe you're just having one of those stuck in the groove moments like spinning vinyl where you need to hit the side of the turntable and get on with the song... And girl, there was no way I was keeping up with all the swaps you signed (not only you, but your BFF Julia) up for! I wish you were driving my stuff home; I probably would have signed up for more swaps! Can't wait to see you in November. And your buddy Julia and I are swap partners for the Vintage Jewelry and Bling Me With Whatever you got Swapapalooza! Looking forward to meeting your sidekick! Take care!
Julie B.
Area 51
Oh you sweet girlfriends, sniff, sniff, I swear I'd be under the bus if it weren't for y'all! And if I can make Alien Julie laugh I might as well get myself over to the comedy show tonight for my debut!! And I tell ya' that my tummy will be a flat as Elle's when I get through spending time with the two Jules I will have laugh so hard at y'all's southern vernaculars flying back and forth. One that comes to mind from Alien Jules is, "I would definitely throw you under the bus for that red phone...", comment totally cracks up every time I read or think of it. AND all the swaps that bff Julia I HAD SIGNED HER UP FOR AS A FAVOR since she didn't know how to do it. She FREAKED when I told her to check what I had done and tell me "uncle" when I should stop signing her up and immediately emailed, "UNCLE, UNCLE, UNCLE!!!!!". Oops. So, don't blame her but I am a hog. I can't wait 'til we're all together, it's gonna be one big hoot!!!
Mryna, Thank you so much for all your comments and support. I appreciate your attitude about accepting the differences in our ideals but still staying open for the things we do have in common. You are so sweet to say those things, thank you so much. Hugs, Stephanie
I liked that post~ enjoyed visitng your blog.
Bristol
oh girl - you rock just the way your are! love the texas rebel wise-crackin' art-makin', people-lovin' person you are.
Stephanie,
Although I'm rather new to your blog...you know you are one of my favorite people (because you signed up for my swap). I'd like you anyways, because if your sign is any indication...I love people like you. Maija rocks for using the f-word....I use it in person, I just can't leave it on my blog (my parents read it). I can't wait to meet you in November. I hear you about the meds....I'd love to come off of mine, too...I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who feels as if she's lost herself while being on them. I guess it's a small sacrifice compared to the depression and anxiety/panic attacks. :) Take care.
The Hostess with the smallest Swap
I swear y'all are so sweet. And I swear this was not a fishing expedition looking for compliments but I'm overwhelmed by y'all's sweet thoughts and words. Okay, even if I get boring you can always check out the blogs on my sidebar as I'm being introduced to so many new blogs through Silver Bella that I could do this full time. Hey, where's my paycheck?
Thanks for stopping by Stephanie, your comment on my blog about it taking you just as long to travel from Maryland as it does from Australia cracked me up! You know, it probably takes you LONGER to get to Omaha, lol!!! I am so looking forward to meeting you there. You can only be yourself, your blog is YOURS. Have fun, you are right, life is too short! :-)
Go For it Girl! Let 'er Rip! Be yourself! You are wonderful and not everyone is going to agree with you but that's okay...they can go visit another blog if they are offended, I like your frankness and humor...that's what brought me back to see you!
xoxo karen....
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